Mama's Back!

Maybe what the problem is... I don't write anymore.  I here I sit, in my boy shorts and tank top, wrapped up in a blanket, feeling sorry for myself.  The real problem may be, that the outlet, I used to use, to express my feelings, I have let go.  I went through, death, divorce, and drunkenness.  ( how unknowingly all d's)  And yet. come out, unscathed! And yet here I stand (sit) melancholy and forlorn.  No shit, Sherlock!  Wake your ass up and use your therapy!


So here it is.


I have been through a lot lately.  Blah, blah, I know, haven't we all?  My "problems" in comparison to most, are bullshit, I get it!  I am living in a mansion, next to John Elway and the guy Sypowitz from NYPD Blue.  Lap of luxury, beautiful views, I saw an elk with one of my twins yesterday on our way back from the store.  Last night while having a very emotional conversation in the driveway for hours, I saw 20 plus shooting stars.  I get to take my girls to the lake or a river every day to feed 15 different varietals of birds and their babies, I know the blessings that I am receiving.


Then why am I so sad, is it because I wasn't granted the goodbyes, I had been counting on?  Is it because I am lonely?   Is it because I am used to not having family, and now I am surrounded by my ex husbands?  Maybe, it is because I have finally realized, that I am just going to do this forever, being a mom is all I can be.  That is an amazing task, and I am pretty fucking good at it, but that's where the road ends with me.  There is no man walking through my door at the end of the day that I have to paw off til the kids are in bed and he can ravage me.  There is no one, that realizes I am crazy but accepts me for it, overlooks it, if you will, and still loves me like he has loved no other women.  It's me, and my kids.  Me, okay with myself, flaws and all, loves my dvr, a bottle of wine and fully charged batteries.  Me, fish out of water, stars at night, elk at dusk, Elway in an orange boat telling me I look good in a bikini, Me, alone, forever mom.