The Ex Factor

So how does it work normally?  Sometimes, I wonder, is it a good thing that I am friends with most of my exes?  I always took it as a compliment.  Hey, we ended a relationship and we remain amicable.  But what does it really mean?  Are we still friends because we are both so smart that we can get past our differences?  Or is it hormones. 

I have realized lately, that, I am friends with a few of my exes.  None of which, am I sexual with, and for that matter, do I even live in the same state as, but really, is it healthy?  I have thought, in the past, that it is fine, but recently, with the advice from friends, I have been told, that it is weird. 

Myself, I am under the understanding, that if you love somebody, truly, the love remains, even after the relationship ends.  There is still that bond, the tie that first bonded you together.  Even though the circumstances have changed, your friendship, your relationship, can still evolve. 

True love never ends.  Anything that grows just needs to be molded and developed.

Friendship Dinamics

So lately I have been traveling down this road, rememberance and all of it's conclusions.  Thinking of my past experiences.  All the things I do in my time off have changed.  These days my life, has settled.  Into content.  I used to beat myself up, over everything.  Parenting my daughters.  Work.  Relationships.  It all bothered me.   I needed to improve on every level.  Somehow, I have gotten to a place of acceptance. I no longer look for recognition in all the levels that I used to.  I find it within myself.  I pick. 

In speaking to women they start out their description of a person with a story.  Before, you even get to the point of what they are saying you know that it is an ex boyfriend, or a relative they used to live with that did them wrong, there is always a side story.  I talk to people all day at work, either subscriptions that I am setting up, or coworkers that I talk to, because that is the scope of the social envirement live I have.  Sometimes, when all this talking is going on, I am just thinking, inside my beautiful little brain. fuck, will you just get to the point.  Damn it, I get that this was your long lost childhood friend, that you just reconnected with after ten years, but damn, how does this relate to the mood you are in, all I asked was "are you down today",

The odd thing is, I am always complaining about not having enough proactive listeners in my life.  Is it really better to have someone pay enough attention to your stories that they can give you the correct feedback that you are desiring, while thinking in your head that you don't give a shit?  Would you, really, rather have someone that is interested in all the stories regarding  all the things some guy said to you?  I have a friend who is freshly in a new relationship, all I hear about is all the "cute" things he did.  Part of me, just wants to scream, talk to me about you!!! Tell me how you  feel/ Does it make your heart flutter, are you scared, if so, what scares you?  Now. Keep in mind, I feel honored that I am a recipient of this story.  The same story that is so boring that no one else cares, but please continue, your boyfriend is amazing.  Forget what I am going through.  Yes, my life is super boring, it just involves my kids and all the yard work and house cleaning of this oversized dwelling that my children establish, than you can handle.  Even though I productively listened, I am mostly being supportive.  But, it is my life that I live.  I listen to all of the stories, but yet, the people that ask about my  day, actually are very few. Even when I get someone that is engaging, I am wondering in my head if the attentiveness is merely happening in spite of them wanting to spout out every event that took place the day before,  or if they are, meerley,  just waiting for the moment when my story will be over and that they can start telling me every detail about theirs.  I get the ebb and flow of all the friendship or the relationships that occur in our life,  but damn, all I wanted was to actually for myself and bounce off ideas that I am wondering about due to my occurances that of accrued due to my issues. 

I am starting to be able to not let things that are trivial effect me as much when it comes to dialogue shared with the rest of society.  But, in saying that, I am still learning lessons in my fourties regarding my communication with others.

Maybe, that is why I keep myself locked up in my envirementally safe caccoon.

Is it baseball? Or Life?

So there are these things called  curveballs. They happen in sports, baseball (aka title), or, in my case life.  Damn, my life.  Funny how it works that way.  There is this saying that my Grandmother used to tell me.  Do you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. This really seems to be true.  I can't plan a damn thing out.  Something always happens to throw that proverbial curveball.  The other shoe always falls. 


Six months ago I had it all planned out.  I knew the schedule for the next year, I knew what I wanted.  And I wanted so many things. 

But over the past few months, I realized it's not about me.  It hasn't been in a long time.  There are these girls, that I created, that deserve so much more. 


And now I have to make it about them.  They deserve it, it is my privilege to be there mother and put them first. 

And now, I must put my desires and wants above theirs and live the life that they deserve.

Trapeze Artist

You have to let go. And only then, can you be caught.

Irony

Funny thing. I used to be a huge Mariah fan. Heard this song today, and I thought it was relatable. Oddly enough , I used to relate to it because my heart was broken, now I think that I am the one breaking hearts!

Oddly Enough

So my life has turned into this weird, unrecognizable being.  I am in control, yet watching it turn into something I never thought it would do.  According to most of the earths populous, I should be more than happy. I have all the things that are required to live an above average life, my needs are beyond met.

So what the hell am I searching for? What keeps me from happiness?

Always