So lately I have been traveling down this road, rememberance and all of it's conclusions. Thinking of my past experiences. All the things I do in my time off have changed. These days my life, has settled. Into content. I used to beat myself up, over everything. Parenting my daughters. Work. Relationships. It all bothered me. I needed to improve on every level. Somehow, I have gotten to a place of acceptance. I no longer look for recognition in all the levels that I used to. I find it within myself. I pick.
In speaking to women they start out their description of a person with a story. Before, you even get to the point of what they are saying you know that it is an ex boyfriend, or a relative they used to live with that did them wrong, there is always a side story. I talk to people all day at work, either subscriptions that I am setting up, or coworkers that I talk to, because that is the scope of the social envirement live I have. Sometimes, when all this talking is going on, I am just thinking, inside my beautiful little brain. fuck, will you just get to the point. Damn it, I get that this was your long lost childhood friend, that you just reconnected with after ten years, but damn, how does this relate to the mood you are in, all I asked was "are you down today",
The odd thing is, I am always complaining about not having enough proactive listeners in my life. Is it really better to have someone pay enough attention to your stories that they can give you the correct feedback that you are desiring, while thinking in your head that you don't give a shit? Would you, really, rather have someone that is interested in all the stories regarding all the things some guy said to you? I have a friend who is freshly in a new relationship, all I hear about is all the "cute" things he did. Part of me, just wants to scream, talk to me about you!!! Tell me how you feel/ Does it make your heart flutter, are you scared, if so, what scares you? Now. Keep in mind, I feel honored that I am a recipient of this story. The same story that is so boring that no one else cares, but please continue, your boyfriend is amazing. Forget what I am going through. Yes, my life is super boring, it just involves my kids and all the yard work and house cleaning of this oversized dwelling that my children establish, than you can handle. Even though I productively listened, I am mostly being supportive. But, it is my life that I live. I listen to all of the stories, but yet, the people that ask about my day, actually are very few. Even when I get someone that is engaging, I am wondering in my head if the attentiveness is merely happening in spite of them wanting to spout out every event that took place the day before, or if they are, meerley, just waiting for the moment when my story will be over and that they can start telling me every detail about theirs. I get the ebb and flow of all the friendship or the relationships that occur in our life, but damn, all I wanted was to actually for myself and bounce off ideas that I am wondering about due to my occurances that of accrued due to my issues.
I am starting to be able to not let things that are trivial effect me as much when it comes to dialogue shared with the rest of society. But, in saying that, I am still learning lessons in my fourties regarding my communication with others.
Maybe, that is why I keep myself locked up in my envirementally safe caccoon.
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